I thought I was going to forgo a blog post this week, as a post on the MOMents side of my Substack (Choosing Joy in Motherhood) also went live today, but sometimes inspiration finds you along your path and insists you make the most of the moment.
Yesterday, I took my kids to the field in our neighborhood to let them burn some energy before nap time. As they ran we stumbled upon a butterfly that seemed to blend in perfectly with our surroundings.
The butterfly would land somewhere in the field and the kids would take off trying to find it, eventually stumbling upon it causing it to fly away as they chased.
This little cat-and-mouse game that they stumbled upon had them thoroughly entertained for the better part of 40 minutes, and as the butterfly continued to elude them I found my thoughts wandering to the grief that has been budding just under the surface.
We’re coming upon the first anniversary of the losses of some significant people in my life, and while I absolutely adore the holidays, they have now become tied with grief in a complicated way.
Sometimes I feel as though my journey with grief mirrors my children chasing after butterflies.
I often find myself chasing after moments once shared and running after memories that I am fearful I’ll forget as time goes by.
Yet, as I happen upon these moments and memories I am reminded, sometimes harshly and sometimes subtly, that the person I am missing is just out of reach.
As desperately as I yearn to have just one brief moment with them again-
One phone call
One visit
One dinner
One FaceTime
One card received in the mail
I simply cannot get those things ever again.
While those past moments reflected on and memories uncovered are beautiful to reflect upon and worth cherishing, there is still a space left unfilled by their physical absence from my life.
And yet, I still chase…
Because chasing is all I have left now.
And I’d rather chase after what was than stop noticing the beauty that can still be found in reflecting on shared moments and stored memories.
So I continue on my journey.
One day at a time. One step at a time.
And when a memory catches the corner of my mind’s eye, I take the time to pause and follow wherever it may lead me.
At times, it leads me to laughs and fondness.
Other times, it leads me to tears and heartache.
But I’ll always notice. I’ll always look. I’ll always chase after the butterfly.